jewelweed: knowhomo: LGBTQ* Definitions and Vocabulary Diversity Lesson 101: “Demisexual” A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners. When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed. (Text Provided by: AVEN and Wiki) bolding mine, because i really don’t like the language in this definition. first of all, calling people “sexuals” is really shitty (i feel like we’ve been over this many times before) for a lot of reasons. as a survivor, there are some days when i’m dissociating hard and feeling very triggered and the VERY LAST THING i want to deal with is someone telling me i am a sexual being. how about folks who would LIKE to have sex, but are not physically capable? or folks who would love to have sexual relationships, but don’t have any opportunities or are otherwise just unable to do so? where does the asexual/sexual dichotomy leave people who are “virgins”? folks who have had sex but are practicing celibacy? and wait a second, this definition is talking about “demisexuality,” which (by its own definition) includes people who have sexual relationships. why do they get to have a special snowflake label while the rest of us non-asexual, non-demi folks are just lumped together as “sexuals”? secondly—it’s really, REALLY slut-shaming to say “sexuals see this as an admirable choice.” what is so admirable about only fucking someone that you have deep emotional relationship with? like, if that’s how your sexuality works, awesome! but it’s really shitty to suggest that us slutty, fuck-happy “sexuals” look at demi-sexuals with their monogamous fucking and think “gosh, that’s so admirable!” I think you’re right that the original text was worded poorly. Many of us, however, live in cultures that praise people who only have sex within serious romantic relationships, ideally marriage. Demis can easily be seen to represent this ideal, even though our sexuality is not (usually) tied to any desire to embody sex-negative ideals. That’s simply representative of a culture that is inherently slut shaming. But don’t assume that demis are all monogamous. We’re not. I’m poly and I know I’m not the only poly demi person out there. Just because I need a connection with someone in order for sexual attraction to develop doesn’t mean I can’t develop a connection with multiple people. And you do realize that there are people out there who are asexual and still have sexual relationships, too, right? Often out of a desire to please a romantic partner. Not all asexuals are aromantic and individuals have the right to make those decisions. Asexuality and demisexuality aren’t defined by whether or not an individual actually has sex or sexual relationships. They are defined by whether or not (or how) that person experiences sexual attraction. People who are asexual do not experience either primary (physical) or secondary (emotional, mental, etc.) sexual attraction. Those of us who are demisexual only experience secondary sexual attraction. It doesn’t make me a special snowflake (seriously, fuck you for that identity-erasing bullshit), but it does help me understand how my sexuality works and why I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m not normal. Individual ability and choice are unrelated to the sexuality spectrum, which focuses on how people experience sexual attraction, rather than if/how they act on their sexual attraction(s) or lack thereof. I’m sure there are also demisexuals who have physical or other barriers to relationships and sex. No one is calling people who experience primary sexual attraction* slutty or “fuck happy” (unless that’s how they personally want to identify). Just because people are capable of sex outside of a relationship doesn’t men they’re required to act on it. And, by the way, plenty of demis, myself included, would fucking LOVE to experience primary sexual attraction. You need to take a step back. My sexual orientation doesn’t reflect on you, either positively or negatively. It’s personal. And when people insist that I must hold attitudes that I don’t, especially slut-shamey, sex-negative attitudes, just because my sexuality works differently from yours, it reinforces the feeling that my sexuality is wrong. And it’s not. *I’m purposely taking a step back from using the word “sexuals” because, while I understand why it’s used in these types of conversations, I don’t know enough about the objections.

jewelweed:

knowhomo:

LGBTQ* Definitions and Vocabulary

Diversity Lesson 101: “Demisexual”

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

(Text Provided by: AVEN and Wiki)

bolding mine, because i really don’t like the language in this definition. first of all, calling people “sexuals” is really shitty (i feel like we’ve been over this many times before) for a lot of reasons. as a survivor, there are some days when i’m dissociating hard and feeling very triggered and the VERY LAST THING i want to deal with is someone telling me i am a sexual being.

how about folks who would LIKE to have sex, but are not physically capable? or folks who would love to have sexual relationships, but don’t have any opportunities or are otherwise just unable to do so? where does the asexual/sexual dichotomy leave people who are “virgins”? folks who have had sex but are practicing celibacy?

and wait a second, this definition is talking about “demisexuality,” which (by its own definition) includes people who have sexual relationships. why do they get to have a special snowflake label while the rest of us non-asexual, non-demi folks are just lumped together as “sexuals”?

secondly—it’s really, REALLY slut-shaming to say “sexuals see this as an admirable choice.” what is so admirable about only fucking someone that you have deep emotional relationship with? like, if that’s how your sexuality works, awesome! but it’s really shitty to suggest that us slutty, fuck-happy “sexuals” look at demi-sexuals with their monogamous fucking and think “gosh, that’s so admirable!”

I think you’re right that the original text was worded poorly. Many of us, however, live in cultures that praise people who only have sex within serious romantic relationships, ideally marriage. Demis can easily be seen to represent this ideal, even though our sexuality is not (usually) tied to any desire to embody sex-negative ideals. That’s simply representative of a culture that is inherently slut shaming.

But don’t assume that demis are all monogamous. We’re not. I’m poly and I know I’m not the only poly demi person out there. Just because I need a connection with someone in order for sexual attraction to develop doesn’t mean I can’t develop a connection with multiple people.

And you do realize that there are people out there who are asexual and still have sexual relationships, too, right? Often out of a desire to please a romantic partner. Not all asexuals are aromantic and individuals have the right to make those decisions.

Asexuality and demisexuality aren’t defined by whether or not an individual actually has sex or sexual relationships. They are defined by whether or not (or how) that person experiences sexual attraction. People who are asexual do not experience either primary (physical) or secondary (emotional, mental, etc.) sexual attraction. Those of us who are demisexual only experience secondary sexual attraction. It doesn’t make me a special snowflake (seriously, fuck you for that identity-erasing bullshit), but it does help me understand how my sexuality works and why I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m not normal.

Individual ability and choice are unrelated to the sexuality spectrum, which focuses on how people experience sexual attraction, rather than if/how they act on their sexual attraction(s) or lack thereof. I’m sure there are also demisexuals who have physical or other barriers to relationships and sex.

No one is calling people who experience primary sexual attraction* slutty or “fuck happy” (unless that’s how they personally want to identify). Just because people are capable of sex outside of a relationship doesn’t men they’re required to act on it. And, by the way, plenty of demis, myself included, would fucking LOVE to experience primary sexual attraction.

You need to take a step back. My sexual orientation doesn’t reflect on you, either positively or negatively. It’s personal. And when people insist that I must hold attitudes that I don’t, especially slut-shamey, sex-negative attitudes, just because my sexuality works differently from yours, it reinforces the feeling that my sexuality is wrong. And it’s not.

*I’m purposely taking a step back from using the word “sexuals” because, while I understand why it’s used in these types of conversations, I don’t know enough about the objections.